I Can Relate
by perishedlove
Summary: Sanzo's out in the rain thinking about his faults and who he should have been. He's losing himself until Gojyo comes outside to help him. Then Sanzo realizes some people do understand how he feels and he was never alone. SanGoj


The wind was so cold. The air itself was already at most forty degrees, but the wind just made it so much worse. The rain was pouring down. It seemed as if it were trying to punish him by drowning him or just pounding him. His cigarette had long gone out. Actually, it had gone out as soon as he stepped outside and from under the roof. And yet he still had it hanging from his mouth unconsciously. He raised his golden-soaked head slightly to look at the angry and ruffled sky in sympathy. Someone must be hating him up there. He could feel the venom seeping through the clouds, hidden by the rain, dripping all over him like slime.

Sanzo blew out a long breath that made his Marlboro fly away into the wind and away from his line of vision. You could hardly see anything through the storm, anyway. It didn't look like it would let up soon either. He raised his hand thoughtfully. Normally, during rainy seasons like these, he'd be inside and in bed early. He wouldn't even glance out a window. But today, he was part of it all. He was outside in the rain, in his sin, and just waiting for lightening to strike him down. His wide hand gathered a puddle of water in it before he tipped it to the side to let it splash onto the ground.

_**Oh, why you look so sad?  
**_**_The tears are in your eyes  
Come on and come to me now  
But don't be ashamed to cry…_**

He'd always held these feelings inside of him. The guilt of having so many lives hang on his shoulders. The sadness of remembering memories of certain people that had long passed away. The loneliness of knowing he couldn't get attached to anything or else he'd feel worse when he lost it. He'd already lost and let go of so much…he didn't need any more of it. His body was so ragged with the emotions he couldn't let out to his traveling companions; he didn't know how long he would last. Killing himself was not possible. That would be weak and pathetic.

Then something else hit him. He _was_ weak and pathetic. He was _human_. What else could he possibly be? Another thing had been bugging him at the edge of his mind. It had been for days. He couldn't sleep or eat very much just sensing the feeling was there. He missed his sensei. That man was…light. He was everything. Ever since his death, darkness had swallowed himself whole. Sanzo could feel the cold taking over him, as all his layers of clothes got flooded with water. He'd taken lives. His sensei had saved a killer. He'd never even known why. The nightmare always haunted him… And then there were his companions.

_**Let me see you through  
'Cause I've seen the dark side too  
When the night falls on you  
**__**And you don't know what to do…  
**_

Friends? Pals? Buddies? He'd never had those things. Muichimotsu. Muichimotsu. Muichimotsu. It's what he'd always lived by. Was it right to be that way? The people he traveled with didn't seem to agree. Goku was too childish to comprehend and Hakkai just couldn't live that way. Gojyo…it was constantly changing with him. One day they wouldn't speak to each other. Another day they'd be yelling as loud as they could and using all their wits to top the other. Others days they were perfectly fine with each other's company. He didn't know if that guy held anything dear to him. Maybe Hakkai, but who could tell?

He already had enough to worry about. Maybe he was selfish to only think of himself, but worries and doubts were worries and doubts. He didn't need them. He didn't want them. Sanzo ran a gloved hand over his legs to warm them up a bit. It only managed to squeeze out drops of water. He was still so cold. No one knew anything about him. They didn't know how much he suffered. They couldn't know. They never would.

_**Nothing you confess  
**__**Could make me love you less **_

I'll stand by you  
_**I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
**__**I'll stand by you…  
**_

The door swung open. Stamping footsteps. Someone was sitting beside him on the slippery green steps. Sanzo didn't bother to turn his head. He figured it was Hakkai. He always came to talk to him at times like these. He was most likely going to tell him he would get a cold if he stayed out much longer. Nothing was going to help now, though.

"Sanzo…you're not alright, are you?" That deep husky voice definitely did not belong to the likable healer. Even in the rushing sound of the rain, it still rang louder than anything. "I didn't even wanna bother askin, considering the look on your face right now." Gojyo paused again. "You look like you wanna die."

_**So if you're mad, get mad  
**__**Don't hold it all inside  
Come on and talk to me now  
Hey, what you got to hide?…**_

Sanzo stared at him. Where did this guy get off making assumptions about him? He didn't know shit about him. Sanzo clenched his fist and was about to retort to the things he'd said when he started again in a softer voice. "I know how ya feel Sanzo. I have those days, too." Droopy purple eyes widened and his throat constricted tightly, stifling any words that were trying to come up. His mind stumbled over all his thoughts that were attempting to sort themselves out. His heart sped up hopefully, foolishly, and his body was frozen.

Gojyo's red bangs stuck to the sides of his face as the colors of his clothes became darker with the rain. "I hate it. I hate it when I feel so small like that. I feel like everything I could probably mess up and do wrong, I screwed up. I feel like a burden to you guys and so stupid. It's like I've fallen so far and I'm…useless. I don't have a purpose. And I mean, what are we without purposes…but Sanzo, you do have a reason." Gojyo was gazing with solid eyes out at the missing moon. The rain that fell on his face made it look like he was crying, Sanzo noticed. And he was right. Sanzo did have a purpose.

**_I get angry too  
Well I'm a lot like you  
When you're standing at the crossroads  
_****_And don't know which path to choose…_**

"Uh…I'm probably sounding kinda weird right now…but…what I'm trying to say is that…I think I can relate. You know…understand…how you feel." Sanzo watched in awe as the perverse half breed turned to him and offered a small smile. It was regretful. Tortured. Wrong.

It looked so wrong for Gojyo to be so sad. And yet it made him feel…happier. How was it this man he hardly spoke to, knew just what to say to him at a time like this? Sanzo couldn't help what happened next. His head was heavy and it fell on Gojyo's shoulder like a rock and his body curled into the other's for warmth and somewhat for comfort. He felt Gojyo shudder against him and arms wrap around to his back. Everything was falling apart. All the walls in his mind…in his heart. Everything. He hadn't even said anything to Gojyo yet.

_**Let me come along  
**__**'Cause even if you're wrong  
**_

_**I'll stand by you  
**__**I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
**_**_I'll stand by you…_**

His eyes became moist with the tears that fell. He sobbed so quietly Gojyo could barely hear him. Sanzo had nothing to lose at this point. It was late and they were alone. He hadn't cried in so long. He'd forgotten how fulfilling it felt. True, it wouldn't change any of the facts of his life, but for a few moments, it all felt okay. Gojyo's hands ran though his hair and down his back. Consoling words came whispering to Sanzo's ears. "You're gonna be okay, Sanzo. Everything's all right. I'm here for you and I always will be."

The embrace already told him everything the red head was saying. The words weren't really needed. _I understand. I'll share the pain with you. You mean so much to me. Don't cry. I understand. I'm gonna help you. I'm going to try. I'll do everything I can. Don't worry. I'll stay with you. I understand. I'm going to save you. I'll free you from your misery. I will save you. I understand. _

_**Take me in, into your darkest hour  
And I'll never desert you  
**_**_I'll stand by you…_**

The sobs died down to tiny hiccups that came occasionally after a few minutes of sitting with Gojyo. Sanzo immediately tried to move from Gojyo's lap when he was calmed down, but the other would have none of it.

"Here, Sanzo. I want you to sleep in my room tonight with me. I wanna make sure you're okay." No one had ever made him feel like this. Suddenly, it wasn't so cold anymore. He could feel the warmth. It radiated from Sha Gojyo.

_**And when  
**__**when the night falls on you, baby  
You're feeling all alone  
**__**You won't be on your own…**_

Gojyo led him to his room as Sanzo leaned on him tiredly. They changed into dry clothes before getting into the bed. He couldn't recall any other night where he'd slept so soundly and peacefully.

The next night, it stormed once again. Sanzo had opened his door to look across the hall at the water demon's room with a sniff because of his cold. The door was open slightly and the light was on. It looked like home. Sanzo smiled just a bit before slipping from his room into the other one where Gojyo was waiting.

**_I'll stand by you  
I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you._**

**_

* * *

_**

-PL

I'll Stand By You - the Pretenders

I just had the idea. It came from the 3rd or 4th novel from Saiyuki Reload, I don't remember which one. I wasn't planning on using the song until I heard it on the radio and fell in love with it. I guess it fits pretty well.


End file.
